Tips Parenting

The other night was a great reminder that getting back into good homework routines is not just about what our kids do, it's about what we do too.

After his second day of school, my 6th grader was diligently working on his homework and had spent 1 1/2 hours on it when I came into the room. I figured he was probably finishing up. When I looked at the math assignment he had been working on (the whole time!), I could see that this project would actually take a few more hours to complete and he still had three other subjects requiring homework to be turned in the next day.

I reacted with concern and irritation, telling him he had to move on, and that if he was concerned about not finishing it, he could email the teacher. I was also annoyed that the teacher could have possibly expected the kids to turn this in the next day. The guideline for homework was supposed to be 20 minutes for this class!

My mistake was neglecting to do the first step of the Calmer, Easier, Happier Homework program and to "Prepare for Success". Noël Janis-Norton always recommends to start homework by sitting down with your child and asking him to tell you about his homework. Look at the assignments for every subject, asking questions about each one to make sure he knows what he needs to do and how to do it. If I had done this, I could have anticipated that this math project was unreasonable for him to complete and limited the amount of time he spent on it. Instead I reacted in a negative way - certainly not fair to my child who was just doing what he was supposed to do.

Preparing for Success is so important. It's all about being proactive and taking steps to help your child succeed. When we don't prepare, we react, and our reactions are often negative and rarely helpful.

Lesson learned though. Now each night my husband or I take five minutes to do step one, reviewing the assignments and putting a time limit on each one when necessary.

Laura Runnels Fleming (see profile below)
Pasadena, CA

A friend who recently began volunteering in her five year old son's classroom told me this success story about using Descriptive Praise in the classroom.

She was helping with an art project with a small group of kids. She had noticed that one of the boys in the class had poor impulse control and always seemed to find himself in trouble. Before they could begin the art project, the children had to wait until she finished giving them the instructions. She could see how fidgety this little boy was, and as he reached out to grab the paint brush she said to him, "You really wanted to start painting, but you're waiting patiently while I finish giving you the instructions. You're remembering the rule. It's so hard to wait, and that took a lot of self-control." He slowly drew his hand back, looked at her and smiled. At the end of the class, this little boy came up to her and actually gave her a hug.

My friend was shocked by the power of Descriptive Praise, but this is a result we often see when this technique is used consistently at home and at school.

Laura Runnels Fleming (view profile below)
Pasadena, CA

Last week, my 11 year old was studying for a math test and had just finished a practice exam. As I was looking it over, I noticed that he got every problem right. This wasn't usually the case. Often his numbers don't line up very well, so that can throw off his answer. He also tends to do a lot in his head and then doesn't check his work by writing out the equation.

My first instinct was to go tell him what an awesome job he did on the practice test, but then I realized how vague that praise was and took a second to really think about what was so "awesome". So I just described what he had done differently. I said,

"I looked at your practice test, and I noticed that all your numbers lined up and that you even took the time to check your answers by writing out the equation. You might have solved the problems right anyway by just doing them in your head, but you went that extra step to make sure you got the right answer. That was very thorough work!"

He was looking at me, taking in every word, and he gave me a big smile.

It's ever so tempting to just throw out the "Amazing" or "Great job" kind of praise. The problem is that it's too vague to be meaningful to children, and truthfully, it's also exaggerated. The second type of praise we're often tempted to give in this situation is the "You're so smart" type of praise. Our goal is to build our child's confidence, but current research in educational psychology by investigators such as Carol Dweck, strongly suggest that praising performance or intelligence actually backfires and diminishes motivation as well as children's performance. What is effective for increasing motivation and the willingness to take on challenging work is focusing praise on your child's effort. If you haven't read the fascinating article in the NY Times about the inverse power of praise, it's worth your time.

My son ended up with a high score on the test. The Descriptive Praise he received about the practice test gave him very specific information about what he had done to achieve that score. One of the wonderful things about Descriptive Praise is that it is not only effective at improving a child's habits, which in this case was improving my son's attention to detail, but it also made both of us feel so good. It boosted my son's confidence, and it made me feel good as a parent that I was influencing him in a positive way by praising his effort.

Laura Runnels Fleming (see profile below)
Pasadena, CA