This is why I love Facebook. Because every now and then a video like this pops up on my news feed, and makes my day. This little boy and his attitude about life and challenging oneself is worth more than a year of expensive therapy.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaIvk1cSyG8
Lets look at learning to ride a bike as a metaphor for parenting. You buy your kid a brand-spanking new bike. You buy the helmet and the knee pads, understanding that learning to ride a bike can be risky, but showing him/her that there are things you can do to keep you safe. First you put on the training wheels, just to give them some confidence. Some kids take off down the street, and never look back, and some kids need you by their side as they take on this shaky new mode of transportation. But over time, they develop confidence, and are ready for the next step. Off come the training wheels. You are both ready for the next challenge. You find a flat, open piece of road. You encourage them to start pedaling and then you hold on like hell as you attempt to hold them up. Some of us let go really early, the kid falls, cries, and you just encourage them to get up and get back on, and give it another shot. Some of us hold on for dear life, running our asses off to keep up with the kid who is really ready to go, but we are too scared to let go, worried they might go to fast and to far for us to help, and some of us sensing the time is just right, let go.
Eventually all these kids learn to ride a bike. Some important lessons have been learned. Taking risks as long as you are safe can be exhilerating. Taking on a challenge, though frustrating at times, reaps enormous rewards. Stick with something really hard, use that frustration to fuel your desire to "get it" and then experience the power that you feel when you accomplish your goal. Just watch this little boy, and you will feel it with him.
Parenting is scary. If we let go too soon, maybe our kids will get hurt, but if we hold on to long they might never want us to let go. Parenting is about trust. Trusting our own instincts about our kids, and their readiness to "take off". Trusting our kids to use the lessons we have taught them to "be safe". Sending them off into the world, with their helmets and their knee pads, knowing there will be falls, but trusting their ability to get back up and get back on. Your teen will feel hurt from relationships gone sour, disappointment they didn't make a varsity team or get a good part in the school play, or frustration from a subject that they just "can't get." Protecting them from those feelings and trying to make it all better does not help build resilience and confidence. Helping them up and brushing them off, and encouraging them to keep on going does. There is nothing better than that. This little boy says it best:"I feel happy of myself."
Love In The Afternoon
It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. The warm spring breeze flowing through the open windows, and the sunlight filtering through the blinds. The family is buzzing around doing their Sunday rituals, cleaning, organizing for the week and homework. Dad walks upstairs to ask his 15 year old daughter and her 17 year old boyfriend, who have been "working on homework together" if they would like anything from Starbucks, as he is going on a coffee run. As he walks into her room, expecting to see a bed piled high with books and notes, he is shocked to see this couple undressed and having an afternoon quickie!
Beautiful afternoon shattered. Apparently this had not been a spontaneous event. When this teen's parents checked her text messages post-coital, they saw a carefully laid (excuse the pun) out plan. They had hoped to have time earlier in the day when the rest of the family was gone, but the family never left, and apparently the couple, intent on commingling, were not deterred.
Previous to this incident, parents had been extremely respectful of their daughter and this relationship. Having no basement family room or semi-private space in their home, they had given permission to their daughter and her boyfriend to hang out in her room with the door open so they might have some privacy. They had only recently given her text messaging, but had chosen not to check her texts. Clearly these are not parents who are control freaks, and "this is how she repays them???" Additionally they gleaned from the texts that the boy's parents often left them unsupervised and they were enjoying their sexual freedom in that house as well.
Questions that might be swarming around your head: How could she do this with her parents home? How could she do this with her 10 year old brother home, who lacking good boundaries often barged in on the couple asking for or to do something with them? Why would she be so brazenly disrespectful to her family? And why at 15 years old is she having SEXXXXX????
Teens have sex because they want to, because they are driven to, and unless there are very honest discussions with parents or other compassionate adults who might potentially offer another perspective, don't really see any down side to it. When you see your teen in a relationship that has lasted longer than a few weeks, it is important to have a conversation with him/her. Remember that teens are impulsive, determined and are driven by their feelings not their brains. And with the powerful pheromones released during adolescence they need all the help they can get. Remember though it is not what you say, but how you say it, that is particularly important here. If you have a discussion that comes off as a lecture or a laying down of the law: "You are not allowed to have sex", they will run for the bed. If you use an I Get It moment, and provide some rules you can control you might have a better outcome.
Here goes: "I get that you are in a relationship with X. I am excited for you. Having someone in your life who really cares for you is amazing. I also get that you guys are probably really attracted to each other and may be thinking about having sex. Once you get on that train, its really hard to put the brakes on, so I want to make sure you take the time to really think about it. You are only 15 and have many boyfriends/girlfriends ahead of you. You have the potential then of having many sexual partners when you start this young. That means more potential for hurt when relationships don't work out having been so intimate with each other, and potential for STD's or pregnancy when you get too comfortable to use a condom, and have too many partners. You need to consider things like that. Also we are not comfortable with you having sex at such a young age. We can't stop you, but you need to know we don't think it is healthy at this point in your life. So a few rules now that you have a boyfriend. You man not have him/her in your bedroom, you may not have him/her here when we are not home, and I will speak to X's parents to let them know that we expect them to provide supervision when you are at their house. We are happy to have him/her over whenever you want, and know that you guys will be "fooling around", but hope that you can keep intercourse off the table. I know that you will be respectful of us and your younger sibs, trying not to put us in awkward situations. We love you and just want you to be safe."
Honestly, there isn't much more you can do. But at least you are acknowledging and respecting this relationship, and are offering your perspective in a way they might be open to hearing it. You are setting limits in your home, anticipating situations they might find themselves in, and hope they will respect them. Keep the communication open, and keep the doors open!
Beautiful afternoon shattered. Apparently this had not been a spontaneous event. When this teen's parents checked her text messages post-coital, they saw a carefully laid (excuse the pun) out plan. They had hoped to have time earlier in the day when the rest of the family was gone, but the family never left, and apparently the couple, intent on commingling, were not deterred.
Previous to this incident, parents had been extremely respectful of their daughter and this relationship. Having no basement family room or semi-private space in their home, they had given permission to their daughter and her boyfriend to hang out in her room with the door open so they might have some privacy. They had only recently given her text messaging, but had chosen not to check her texts. Clearly these are not parents who are control freaks, and "this is how she repays them???" Additionally they gleaned from the texts that the boy's parents often left them unsupervised and they were enjoying their sexual freedom in that house as well.
Questions that might be swarming around your head: How could she do this with her parents home? How could she do this with her 10 year old brother home, who lacking good boundaries often barged in on the couple asking for or to do something with them? Why would she be so brazenly disrespectful to her family? And why at 15 years old is she having SEXXXXX????
Teens have sex because they want to, because they are driven to, and unless there are very honest discussions with parents or other compassionate adults who might potentially offer another perspective, don't really see any down side to it. When you see your teen in a relationship that has lasted longer than a few weeks, it is important to have a conversation with him/her. Remember that teens are impulsive, determined and are driven by their feelings not their brains. And with the powerful pheromones released during adolescence they need all the help they can get. Remember though it is not what you say, but how you say it, that is particularly important here. If you have a discussion that comes off as a lecture or a laying down of the law: "You are not allowed to have sex", they will run for the bed. If you use an I Get It moment, and provide some rules you can control you might have a better outcome.
Here goes: "I get that you are in a relationship with X. I am excited for you. Having someone in your life who really cares for you is amazing. I also get that you guys are probably really attracted to each other and may be thinking about having sex. Once you get on that train, its really hard to put the brakes on, so I want to make sure you take the time to really think about it. You are only 15 and have many boyfriends/girlfriends ahead of you. You have the potential then of having many sexual partners when you start this young. That means more potential for hurt when relationships don't work out having been so intimate with each other, and potential for STD's or pregnancy when you get too comfortable to use a condom, and have too many partners. You need to consider things like that. Also we are not comfortable with you having sex at such a young age. We can't stop you, but you need to know we don't think it is healthy at this point in your life. So a few rules now that you have a boyfriend. You man not have him/her in your bedroom, you may not have him/her here when we are not home, and I will speak to X's parents to let them know that we expect them to provide supervision when you are at their house. We are happy to have him/her over whenever you want, and know that you guys will be "fooling around", but hope that you can keep intercourse off the table. I know that you will be respectful of us and your younger sibs, trying not to put us in awkward situations. We love you and just want you to be safe."
Honestly, there isn't much more you can do. But at least you are acknowledging and respecting this relationship, and are offering your perspective in a way they might be open to hearing it. You are setting limits in your home, anticipating situations they might find themselves in, and hope they will respect them. Keep the communication open, and keep the doors open!
Let My Teenager Go
David Brooks, a columnist for the New York Times wrote a great Op-Ed today called: Its Not About You. In it he discusses the plight of this season's new college graduates, and how ill-prepared they are to face the great big world out there after growing up as a "member of the most supervised generation in history. They have been monitored, tutored, coached, and honed to an unprecedented degree, going out into a world that is wide open and unstructured." He continues to say that "these young people are going into an amazingly diverse job market, social landscape and lifestyles niche." Marriage, buying a home, and having kids, things we, their parents, all took for granted, they may choose to opt out of, or is out of their reach financially. I don't know about you, but me and most of my friends are too busy paying off college and housing debts to be of much financial help to our young adult children. It's a cold hard world out there these days, and many of these young adults end up back home. They don't call it the "boomerang generation" for nothing.
Knowing this, and accepting this as your child's fate can be a tremendous asset as you prepare your teenagers now, for the future that awaits them. You know what's coming and it is your job to ready your teen for today's reality not yesterday's. How? By making your teens accountable for their decisions, by teaching them skills to be independent and adventurous rather than fearful and timid. I know many many kids who believe or not, don't know how to mail a letter at the post office, take the train into the city, order food at a restaurant that is not the local pizza parlor, deal with money, call and make an appointment for a doctor or a dentist, figure out directions to a place they have never been to before, pay a bill, understand how much things cost, and so on and so on and so on. When our kids ask us the "how do you?" questions, or will you? questions, we are so happy to be needed that we jump in to get or do for our kids so they will be grateful and love us more. We are not doing them any favors.
Do a self-check. Do you over-protect, and/or over-indulge your teen. Do you discourage them from taking public transportation or from driving somewhere that is unfamiliar because its too scary for YOU? Do you give into their demands/requests for things because you like to pamper them and feel needed, or do you expect if they want something they need to work for it. Because that is what they will have to learn to do when they walk into their future.
Your teens need to believe that you believe that that they will be OK. The world is not so scary a place if you have been prepared to live in it. Next time they say, will you drive us into the city, tell them you will teach them how to take public transportation. Next time they need to go for a dentist appointment, tell them they know their schedule better than you, and let them make it. When their college applications need to get mailed in the fall, send them off to do it for themselves. If they want an expensive pair of jeans, or sneakers or video games, even if you can afford it, let them work to buy it themselves. Be creative and find ways for them to learn: "I can live in this world and be successful." Baby steps!
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/31/opinion/31brooks.html?hp
Knowing this, and accepting this as your child's fate can be a tremendous asset as you prepare your teenagers now, for the future that awaits them. You know what's coming and it is your job to ready your teen for today's reality not yesterday's. How? By making your teens accountable for their decisions, by teaching them skills to be independent and adventurous rather than fearful and timid. I know many many kids who believe or not, don't know how to mail a letter at the post office, take the train into the city, order food at a restaurant that is not the local pizza parlor, deal with money, call and make an appointment for a doctor or a dentist, figure out directions to a place they have never been to before, pay a bill, understand how much things cost, and so on and so on and so on. When our kids ask us the "how do you?" questions, or will you? questions, we are so happy to be needed that we jump in to get or do for our kids so they will be grateful and love us more. We are not doing them any favors.
Do a self-check. Do you over-protect, and/or over-indulge your teen. Do you discourage them from taking public transportation or from driving somewhere that is unfamiliar because its too scary for YOU? Do you give into their demands/requests for things because you like to pamper them and feel needed, or do you expect if they want something they need to work for it. Because that is what they will have to learn to do when they walk into their future.
Your teens need to believe that you believe that that they will be OK. The world is not so scary a place if you have been prepared to live in it. Next time they say, will you drive us into the city, tell them you will teach them how to take public transportation. Next time they need to go for a dentist appointment, tell them they know their schedule better than you, and let them make it. When their college applications need to get mailed in the fall, send them off to do it for themselves. If they want an expensive pair of jeans, or sneakers or video games, even if you can afford it, let them work to buy it themselves. Be creative and find ways for them to learn: "I can live in this world and be successful." Baby steps!
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/31/opinion/31brooks.html?hp
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